Tag: church

Why Are We Afraid To Be Emotional?

I want to first start off by saying, Hello Everyone and Happy Holidays!!!!!!!! I haven’t written in a while, and it is not because I didn’t want to chat with you, but I wasn’t quite sure what to talk about. I played with a few ideas, but nothing that jumped out to me, but this morning while having my morning coffee and reading “Wild and Free” I knew what I needed to share with you all.

This weekend, we had our annual Christmas production at church, and the choir sang a couple of songs. We sang Chris Tomlin’s “Glory in the Highest” and Kirk Franklin’s “Now Behold the Lamb” both very beautiful and powerful songs. Personally, I sang a verse in the “Now Behold the Lamb” and the lyrics go:

 Even when I broke, broke your heart

My sins tore us apart, but I’m standing right here in the midst of my tears

I claim you to be, the Lamb of God

New life can begin, for you washed away every one of my sins

Who the Son sets free, is truly free indeed

Lord, I claim you to be the Lamb of God!

Two things about these lyrics, they are powerful, and this morning I realized that these lyrics mimic exactly what I am going through in my life and what I have been talking about over the past month with you all. I was speaking with two ladies in the choir and they said something to me that made me think. One said, the words were so touching and as I sang she got chill bumps. The other said, I almost cried. She then ask me if I wanted to cry, and I responded no, I didn’t want to cry. I went on to say that I used to be extremely emotional and I would cry for everything, but as I’ve gotten older, I “toughened” up a bit, and now I have a tighter hold on my emotions, so I don’t cry like I used to. She responded to me, that she is not an overly emotional person, but when the Holy Spirit moves you can’t deny the feelings it evokes. This made me think and recognize, that in my attempt to hold in my emotions and keep them in check, I can potentially be blocking the Spirit from moving within me. It’s true that the Lord moves differently within everyone, but when we try to hold ourselves in check for whatever reasons, we are putting God in a box. AND NEWSFLASH!!!!!! He’s too BIG to be put in a box.

This raises a question within me though, why are we afraid of emotions? I think, society tells us that if we cry or show emotions, we will be viewed as weak. We will be seen as someone who can’t keep themselves in check and so they can’t make sound decisions. However, I am coming to understand and believe there is nothing wrong with being emotional or leading by emotion. Of course, we can’t make all decision based on emotion, but there are some things in life we should make emotional decisions about. I mean within your career, you have to lead with your head and not your heart, but in life decisions, we can try to be too logical and then make the wrong choices for ourselves and our future. There is nothing wrong with emotions, there is nothing wrong with tears, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling!

 

Let’s Get Real

When I was thinking about my topic of discussion for the night, I thought I was going to share a completely different part of me tonight. Those of you who know me, and have known me for a long time, you know what I imagined my future husband to look like. I was very clear about what I was looking for in my life partner. Let me clarify, I knew what I wanted my partner to look like, but not what I wanted his heart to look like. In the past year or so, I’ve thought about what type of person I was interested in. I was no longer focusing on the physical but now on the mental and spiritual. I had these ridiculous deal breakers in my mind, and they were all superficial. I decided that I wanted my future husband to have dark skin, to have tattoos, to be able to sing, to love Jesus was not the first deal breaker on my list; these were the things I would say I was looking for. I shake my head now as I think about how flighty my list was. There was also one other thing I was clear on, this person had to have very different traits than the relationships from my past. When you have no true foundations or rules, you will accept what you have and not seek what you want or need for a successful relationship.

In September, I went to Dallas to visit with my sister, and while there we went to her church. (She attends an amazing church in the Dallas MetroPlex, and has a Pastor that leads his sheep with such grace and love). While in church, I felt that the Lord changed my heart as to what and who I was looking for in my future husband. In a church full of people, men, women, boys and girls, I felt that the Lord placed on my heart that I would marry a Pastor. I struggled with if I should share this with anyone, if maybe I just decided that I would marry a Pastor, but I felt it very strongly in my spirit. The other thing I thought; this is way too  out there for me to just come up with that idea. I mean, I have a lot of issues that I need to work on within myself, I am not pastor’s wife material. I mean, I see my pastor’s wife, and she is full of so much compassion for others, she is involved, she pays attention and knows people’s names. I mean, I am compassionate and I care about others, but I still have some work to do. LOL.

So, I am staying with that, and believing that I will find my pastor in the future, and I will be everything that a pastor’s wife should be. One thing that I also think about though is, when you are in that role, there are eyes on you at all times, and people can place some unhealthy and hurtful expectations upon you. I think, am I ready for this? If this is truly of the Lord, He will continue to work with and on me, to prepare me for the future.

Here’s another thing, this is not what I was supposed to discuss with you all tonight. I was supposed to talk about the crossroads in my life and what I my future looked like in the aspect of employment. Funny thing, speaking about my future husband was my initial plan for this post tonight. I guess this is what I was meant to share with you after all.

Be blessed, and as I have asked before, please continue to pray for me as I pray for you all too!

My Foundation

I was raised in the church and  introduced to the Lord at an early age. You see, I come from a family of worshippers and preachers; a family who has been blessed with hearts for the Lord. This has been manifested through preaching, teaching, and singing. My entire life, my mother has been the choir director, which means, the whole family sang in the choir regardless if you had the gift of singing or not. And BIG surprise, I was not given that gift. Many times I remind myself that the Bible says, “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord…serve the Lord with gladness; come before His presence with singing” (Psalm 100:1-2). So I sing joyfully, but not always beautifully or even in the right key.

Many of my earliest memories are in the church, sitting right next to my sister, in front of our nana, as she belted out this bigger than life voice. My mother would be on the piano, and my granddaddy would be in the front pew along with the other deacons of the church. Occasionally, my dad would join us, and he too would be in the choir stand with us. We never missed a Sunday at church. Growing up in a black Baptist church meant their was always something going on: Sunday service, second service, Wednesday bible study, choir practice, visiting neighboring churches for evening service, pastor appreciation day, vacation bible school, summer revival, and the list can go on and on. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time at church hearing about the Lord.

When I was 12, my nana told me it was time for me to “join” the church and get baptized. See, in our church, once you turned 12, if you weren’t baptized you could no longer serve in the church ministries. I remember, I cried because I was scared and did not feel I was “ready” to take the big plunge in the baptismal pool. At 34 I understand what my 12 year old self did not, and that is where that fear came from. It was a lack of understanding exactly what it meant to be baptized and accept the Lord as my personal savior; to enter into a true relationship with Him. However, when the “doors of the church were opened,” and the invitation was extended to come forward if you felt like the Lord was calling you into a personal relationship, I hesitantly walked forward next to my sister and sat in the chairs, and we joined the church together officially. We did it because it was what expected of us. It has taken almost 20 years for me to actually understand what it means to have a true relationship with the Lord. What it actually means to know and accept Him as my personal savior.Walking up to the alter, sitting in a chair and finally being baptized is not what make you saved; yes it is an outward confession, or part of the process, but if you don’t know that the Lord died for our sins and confess that He is Lord, then all it is is an outward show.

I was a teenager when I actually learned what it meant to have a relationship with God; what it truly means to accept Him into my life, and I was in my 20s when I spent hours pleading to the Lord to hold my hand and to heal my broken body and spirit and I gave him 100% trust into the Lord to take control because I no longer could make it on my own. And, praise the Lord, He brought me through. Here’s the thing, at this point in my life, I know the Lord, I’ve accepted Him into my heart, I trust that He is good, but I’ve held back a little bit of me from Him because of some irrational fear that I would lose something. I know it sounds ridiculous, just writing this it seems so irrational. As a follower of Christ, my identity is in God. I have lived just enough in the world that I have had fun without losing my salvation, but if I’m perfectly honest I’ve lived in shades of gray, and the Lord ask us to be black or white, hot or cold. Revelation 3:16 tells us very clearly that the Lord doesn’t want some of us, He wants all of us. For the past two months I’ve felt the Lord making moves inside of me, changing my heart and calling me to stop living in the gray area. I’ve been vocal about feeling like I’m in my season and that I’m ready for whatever the Lord has in store for me, but in order to receive His many blessing, I have to see black or white. I have to stop living for myself and start living 100% for the Lord. I need to feed my spirit and walk in faith. Today I choose to walk in faith!

Continue to be blessed!!!!