Month: July 2016


Today is a bittersweet day, it has been 8 years since the hardest day of my entire life. On July 10, 2008 I suffered a tragic miscarriage. I don’t talk much about it, I don’t share my story too often, because it is something I carry extremely close to my heart. I will never forget what it felt like to find out I was going to be a mom, what it was like to go to the doctor and see my babies first photograph, to hear the heartbeat, but…alas, I was never able to hear my babies heartbeat.  

In the beginning, I struggled with understanding of why this happened to me? What did I do wrong in the 4 months that I carried this precious gift that it was taken away from me? From the first day that I knew I would be a mother I fell in love, and I couldn’t wait to hold that special gift in my arms; however, it was not meant to be. It took some time for me to heal from the deep sorrow and hurt, both physical and mental, but my Father in heaven held on to me tightly. Many nights, alone in my room I cried and prayed for understanding, for comfort, and He eventually gave it to me. Not necessarily the understanding, because, not even the doctor could fully understand what went wrong, but the comfort and healing slowly came. The sadness slipped away. 

No, I will never forget the child that I carried, I will never know if it was a boy or a girl, but I know that I will one day see my baby in heaven. I have comfort in knowing that, and look forward to that day. 

During that time, I also learned what true friendship was. My friends, huddled around me, and loved on me so hard in the following days and months. They prayed for me, spent time just sitting with me, and let me know they were there whenever I needed them. So, yes it is a bittersweet day, but I can remember the positives that also came from that loss. There is a beauty in brokenness, and that is when our Father can truly reach out and hold onto us and show us what unconditional love is. Today, I will not mourn over my loss, but instead rejoice in knowing that although I never will see my first child on this earth, one day I will hold him or her in my arms and let him or her know how much their mother loved them from day one and every day after. 

It’s More Than Just a #Hashtag

More times than not, I read articles online, on Facebook, see news reports about issues happening in our world, and like so many others, I stay silent. I keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, because I don’t want to offend others, or have to defend my opinion. However, the time for silence needs to end. I can honestly say, at this point in time, it’s scary being a black person in America. As much as people want to scream and holler that racism does not exist, there are more and more examples that tell me otherwise. Black men and women are being murdered every single day, and the masses are Telling us, no this is not a problem. IT IS A PROBLEM!!!!! Let’s wake up and look around, people are being murdered in the streets at such an alarming rate, and it’s becoming increasingly hard to pretend that it is not happening. 

I had a long conversation with my sister tonight, and we talked in depth about the Black Lives Matter movement, if that is what you want to call it, and I told her, I am scared to become a mother because my children will have to grow up in a world where they need to fear simple privileges such as driving down the street. I also told her, as long as the white people don’t see a problem with what is going on, then nothing is going to change.

Now let’s not get anything twisted, when I say the white people, I do not mean every white person in the world, but the majority of the people who are against black lives matter are not of color. I am not racist or prejudice in any manner, my best friend is a white girl from Indiana, and she, more than anyone I know, understands why black lives matter. It’s as simple as this, I as a black woman, do not have the same privilege as a white man or woman. As much as people say they don’t see color they only see people, it’s not true. You can ask any black person if they walk into a room full of people, if the first thing they notice is how many other black people are in the crowd; especially if it is in a city or state where “we” are the minority.  The resounding answer will be yes. As a black person, from a young age we are taught that we are different solely based on the color of our skin. Does that make us less than? Of course not, but, we always know we are different. And now, society is telling us we are expendable, that our lives are not as important as someone who isn’t black, and it has got to change. 

I’m not going to go on and on and call out names of the individuals who have lost their lives, because we already know. It is now a running commentary that we are all one police stop away from being a hashtag, and as ridiculous as that sounds, it’s true. We can’t continue to excuse these heinous acts with ridiculous rhetoric, oh, well he looked suspicious, or he should have behaved like this. Just a few months ago, I was driving to Dallas with my white friend and I was pulled over for going 4 miles over the speed limit on the interstate. Now, I was going with the flow of traffic, but I was singled out for whatever reason, maybe my car stood out more because of the color. The officer pulled me over, requested I turn off my vehicle, and then step away from my car. Myfirst thought was not that I was being targeted based on my skin color, but instead, that I needed to do everything that this officer asked me to do to avoid any trouble, or a ticket. I was blessed enough to get off with a warning, but my friend was livid. She questioned, why did he make you get out, why did he request you walk away from the car? He didn’t want me to hear what he was saying to you. Praise the Lord, the officer that stopped me was level headed, and I did not question his authority, but many others are not treated  similarly, they are not even given the opportunity to step away from their vehicles. Officers are shooting first and then asking questions later. We can no longer be silent. We need to stand together, and stand for what is right. 

My heart is so heavy right now, for the people who have lost loved ones, as well as for the state of the world we live in. It is time for us to fall on our faces and pray for the world. These are scary times, and as with many things, it is going to get worse before it gets better. As I told my sister tonight, we should not be shocked by what is going on in the world, because we live in a fallen world. We live in a world where sin is now glorified, so we should not be surprised by the disasters state  around, but does that mean we are numb to it? Not at all! 

We need to come together and let our voices be heard, and say that Black Live Matter is more than just a hashtag, but instead a reality. We are no longer slaves without names or homes, we are people who should have the same rights as the person standing next to us. This has got to end, but until the world recognzes there really is a problem,  we will continue to spin our wheels, and get nowhere.