Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet day, it has been 8 years since the hardest day of my entire life. On July 10, 2008 I suffered a tragic miscarriage. I don’t talk much about it, I don’t share my story too often, because it is something I carry extremely close to my heart. I will never forget what it felt like to find out I was going to be a mom, what it was like to go to the doctor and see my babies first photograph, to hear the heartbeat, but…alas, I was never able to hear my babies heartbeat.  

In the beginning, I struggled with understanding of why this happened to me? What did I do wrong in the 4 months that I carried this precious gift that it was taken away from me? From the first day that I knew I would be a mother I fell in love, and I couldn’t wait to hold that special gift in my arms; however, it was not meant to be. It took some time for me to heal from the deep sorrow and hurt, both physical and mental, but my Father in heaven held on to me tightly. Many nights, alone in my room I cried and prayed for understanding, for comfort, and He eventually gave it to me. Not necessarily the understanding, because, not even the doctor could fully understand what went wrong, but the comfort and healing slowly came. The sadness slipped away. 

No, I will never forget the child that I carried, I will never know if it was a boy or a girl, but I know that I will one day see my baby in heaven. I have comfort in knowing that, and look forward to that day. 

During that time, I also learned what true friendship was. My friends, huddled around me, and loved on me so hard in the following days and months. They prayed for me, spent time just sitting with me, and let me know they were there whenever I needed them. So, yes it is a bittersweet day, but I can remember the positives that also came from that loss. There is a beauty in brokenness, and that is when our Father can truly reach out and hold onto us and show us what unconditional love is. Today, I will not mourn over my loss, but instead rejoice in knowing that although I never will see my first child on this earth, one day I will hold him or her in my arms and let him or her know how much their mother loved them from day one and every day after. 

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