Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet day, it has been 8 years since the hardest day of my entire life. On July 10, 2008 I suffered a tragic miscarriage. I don’t talk much about it, I don’t share my story too often, because it is something I carry extremely close to my heart. I will never forget what it felt like to find out I was going to be a mom, what it was like to go to the doctor and see my babies first photograph, to hear the heartbeat, but…alas, I was never able to hear my babies heartbeat.  

In the beginning, I struggled with understanding of why this happened to me? What did I do wrong in the 4 months that I carried this precious gift that it was taken away from me? From the first day that I knew I would be a mother I fell in love, and I couldn’t wait to hold that special gift in my arms; however, it was not meant to be. It took some time for me to heal from the deep sorrow and hurt, both physical and mental, but my Father in heaven held on to me tightly. Many nights, alone in my room I cried and prayed for understanding, for comfort, and He eventually gave it to me. Not necessarily the understanding, because, not even the doctor could fully understand what went wrong, but the comfort and healing slowly came. The sadness slipped away. 

No, I will never forget the child that I carried, I will never know if it was a boy or a girl, but I know that I will one day see my baby in heaven. I have comfort in knowing that, and look forward to that day. 

During that time, I also learned what true friendship was. My friends, huddled around me, and loved on me so hard in the following days and months. They prayed for me, spent time just sitting with me, and let me know they were there whenever I needed them. So, yes it is a bittersweet day, but I can remember the positives that also came from that loss. There is a beauty in brokenness, and that is when our Father can truly reach out and hold onto us and show us what unconditional love is. Today, I will not mourn over my loss, but instead rejoice in knowing that although I never will see my first child on this earth, one day I will hold him or her in my arms and let him or her know how much their mother loved them from day one and every day after. 

It’s More Than Just a #Hashtag

More times than not, I read articles online, on Facebook, see news reports about issues happening in our world, and like so many others, I stay silent. I keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, because I don’t want to offend others, or have to defend my opinion. However, the time for silence needs to end. I can honestly say, at this point in time, it’s scary being a black person in America. As much as people want to scream and holler that racism does not exist, there are more and more examples that tell me otherwise. Black men and women are being murdered every single day, and the masses are Telling us, no this is not a problem. IT IS A PROBLEM!!!!! Let’s wake up and look around, people are being murdered in the streets at such an alarming rate, and it’s becoming increasingly hard to pretend that it is not happening. 

I had a long conversation with my sister tonight, and we talked in depth about the Black Lives Matter movement, if that is what you want to call it, and I told her, I am scared to become a mother because my children will have to grow up in a world where they need to fear simple privileges such as driving down the street. I also told her, as long as the white people don’t see a problem with what is going on, then nothing is going to change.

Now let’s not get anything twisted, when I say the white people, I do not mean every white person in the world, but the majority of the people who are against black lives matter are not of color. I am not racist or prejudice in any manner, my best friend is a white girl from Indiana, and she, more than anyone I know, understands why black lives matter. It’s as simple as this, I as a black woman, do not have the same privilege as a white man or woman. As much as people say they don’t see color they only see people, it’s not true. You can ask any black person if they walk into a room full of people, if the first thing they notice is how many other black people are in the crowd; especially if it is in a city or state where “we” are the minority.  The resounding answer will be yes. As a black person, from a young age we are taught that we are different solely based on the color of our skin. Does that make us less than? Of course not, but, we always know we are different. And now, society is telling us we are expendable, that our lives are not as important as someone who isn’t black, and it has got to change. 

I’m not going to go on and on and call out names of the individuals who have lost their lives, because we already know. It is now a running commentary that we are all one police stop away from being a hashtag, and as ridiculous as that sounds, it’s true. We can’t continue to excuse these heinous acts with ridiculous rhetoric, oh, well he looked suspicious, or he should have behaved like this. Just a few months ago, I was driving to Dallas with my white friend and I was pulled over for going 4 miles over the speed limit on the interstate. Now, I was going with the flow of traffic, but I was singled out for whatever reason, maybe my car stood out more because of the color. The officer pulled me over, requested I turn off my vehicle, and then step away from my car. Myfirst thought was not that I was being targeted based on my skin color, but instead, that I needed to do everything that this officer asked me to do to avoid any trouble, or a ticket. I was blessed enough to get off with a warning, but my friend was livid. She questioned, why did he make you get out, why did he request you walk away from the car? He didn’t want me to hear what he was saying to you. Praise the Lord, the officer that stopped me was level headed, and I did not question his authority, but many others are not treated  similarly, they are not even given the opportunity to step away from their vehicles. Officers are shooting first and then asking questions later. We can no longer be silent. We need to stand together, and stand for what is right. 

My heart is so heavy right now, for the people who have lost loved ones, as well as for the state of the world we live in. It is time for us to fall on our faces and pray for the world. These are scary times, and as with many things, it is going to get worse before it gets better. As I told my sister tonight, we should not be shocked by what is going on in the world, because we live in a fallen world. We live in a world where sin is now glorified, so we should not be surprised by the disasters state  around, but does that mean we are numb to it? Not at all! 

We need to come together and let our voices be heard, and say that Black Live Matter is more than just a hashtag, but instead a reality. We are no longer slaves without names or homes, we are people who should have the same rights as the person standing next to us. This has got to end, but until the world recognzes there really is a problem,  we will continue to spin our wheels, and get nowhere. 

Chronicles of an Oily Girl

So…it’s been almost a month since I started using doTerra essential oils, and I’m still in love with these oils. I’m now known as the oil girl to my coworkers and my family. Everyday I learn something new about the amazing benefits of essential oils. It has literally taken over my life. As of today, I’ve used oils to get rid of ants, clean my bathroom, address poor eating habits, address overeating habits, sleep better at night, clear up acne scars.  I could probably name a few more, and I find myself daily saying, “there’s an oil for that!” Which sounds super cliché, but so true. 

Last night I sat down with a couple of ladies who have been using oils for awhile now, and I left super excited about my future with essential oils. The possibilities are endless! Sometimes I feel like those jokes that people share about vegans and cross fitters, where they say that is all they talk about, being vegan or doing cross fit. Well, I realize, based on that analogy, that when you are involved in something that you truly believe in, then you talk about it. You talk about how it has changed you, how it makes you feel, and how much you love it! 

I am using oils everyday at work, and now my coworkers ask, “did you bring your oil today?” Or “do you have anything for…” And I’m like, ” as a matter of fact I do!”  Essential oils have brought a new excitement to my life, and I am eager to share it with everyone. To share the awesome benefits of living an oily life!  

Getting oily

I recently started my journey as an “oiler.”  By that I mean, I started using essential oils,candy just like that I became obsessed. For awhile I have been interested in essential oils, and many friends on Facebook rave about how great the oils are, and how their lives have been transformed by using said oils, but I had no clue how they worked. Well, that is until recently. A friend and his wife paid me a visit at work, and gave me a small sample of these magic oils and explained to me in great detail the many uses that essential oils have, and I was sold. I took my sample home, it was a sleep blend, I rubbed some on the bottoms of my feet as instructed, and had the most restful sleep I’ve had in months. Like so many people out there, I suffer with sleep problems. I struggle to fall asleep, and once asleep, I struggle to stay asleep. With sleep patterns such as this, I would wake up tired and be sluggish all day. This would call for large amounts of coffee throughout the day. Now, I will not say that this oil has ruined my relationship with coffee, we are 100% committed to each other, but… I did not wake up sluggish and tired. Not only did this tiny amount of oil help me sleep, but my dog who sleeps with me slept through the night as well. Oftentimes she gets up in the middle of the night for various reasons, she’s hungry, she thirsty, she just needs to stretch her legs and walk around. You know, the usual things dogs do.

Anyhow, after sampling the serenity blend, I decided to start looking into these oils, and deciding if it was something I wanted to invest in and if I would actually use the oils. Well, I decided I was in and called up my friend and said, let’s do this. Since purchasing my oil kit, I have used my oils every day, and continue to research all the health benefits. I am sleeping so soundly that I wake up ready for my day, I feel better in my emotional health, and feel a bit more energized. Bottom line, I’m obsessed.

This, is my introductory post about my new love for essential oils and definitely not my last. I’m still learning and as I learn I will definitely share. I’m also still learning the rules about sharing about the oil brand I chose. Originally, when I first learned about essential oils, Youngs Living was the only oils I would see people talk about, and it was quite appealing to me, but ultimately I chose doTerra as my choice. I am completely happy with my decision and will share with anyone interested as to why I chose this brand. Leave a comment or even your favorite blends. I love hearing new blends, Pinterest can only go so far!

Struggling

I’ve been struggling with writing these words, putting pen to paper and getting them out. As of March 16 I have to say my dad died. Not only do I have to say my dad died, but I have to clarify for people which dad. The reason why I have to clarify is because I come from somewhat of a broken home; so I have two dad’s. The one who gave me life and a stepdad who stepped in when my mom remarried. So when I say my dad died, I mean my real dad or my birth father, the one who gave me life.

For ten years, I lost contact with my dad, let’s call him by his name, Gerald, just for clarity. So I lost contact with Gerald in 1997, not because I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but because my mom remarried and he felt as though he had been replaced by my new dad, Abraham. This couldn’t be further from the truth, because for 15 years, my dad, Gerald, was my everything. There was no doubt in my mind that he loved me because I was his baby girl, his middle child, who was so much like him. The last time that I laid eyes on my dad was July 1997, that is until March 2016 when I saw him for the first time lying in his coffin. I don’t have words to express how terrible that felt. It was like looking at a stranger because the picture of my father I have carried in my head was no where close to the man I saw lying cold in that box.

But back to the 90s, my dad drove from Detroit and picked up me along with my two sisters to spend a few weeks with him in 1997, and we had a great time. It was like old times, minus my mother, that is. But he took us to the zoo and showed us around his city with such pride, and then he drove us back to Alabama and that was it. We never saw him again, but he would call us and talk to us on the phone, but even that stopped when my mom remarried. He felt like he was no longer needed, like he had been replaced, but that didn’t stop his girls from needing their father. As time passed and contact became nonexistent me and my sister accepted the fact that we did indeed have a new father because our old father no longer cared. The pain and rejection dwindled, and he soon became just a memory. I used to have a man in my life that I called daddy, but now I just have a stepfather, and he is great, he loves us like his own children. That be came my new mantra, because it hurt too much to say “my daddy doesn’t love me or want me anymore.”

Fast forward 7 years, I’m now 21, in my very first relationship, and I begin to realize I’m so screwed up and I can’t make this relationship work because I have “daddy issues” the first man that was supposed to show me how a man should love a woman threw me away when I was 14, and I never dealt with it. Now I have this crippling fear that any man that says he loves me will leave me. I mean, my dad is supposed to love me unconditionally, and he left, so what’s gonna keep you, this random person that I picked out of the crowd and said I choose you to be my partner, a person who has no real commitment to me, from walking away. So…I picked up the phone and called my dad. It was the biggest heartbreak of my life, the man on the other end of the phone had no clue who he was talking to, he didn’t even know his own daughters voice. I yelled, cried, and begged for answers. Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you fight for me? Do you even love me? I can still, 13 years later, hear his voice answering me. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry I let you down, I didn’t think you wanted me anymore.”  Those words broke me, completely shattered me, because just like me, my dad felt like I had thrown him away. Communication is so important, because silence is the loudest thing we can say. Nothing is worse than something.

After that night, I never lost touch with my dad. However, I was torn, because I had this new life and a family that I didn’t want to disrupt because I didn’t want to offend anyone. Hurt anyone’s feelings. So my dad became my secret. I listened to his woes, to his heartaches, his ups and downs, and shared it with no one. That is until I did. I confessed to my mom that I was in contact with Gerald. She wasn’t “happy” about it because they parted on bad terms, but she didn’t stop me from it either.

My dad, Gerald, had his demons that he struggled with, but underneath all of that he was still the same person. Funny, charming, charismatic, loyal, and deeply caring. So, I didn’t give up on him. I held tight to the belief that one day I would get to se him again. Unfortunately, that never happened. Well at least for him it didn’t. The day I have dreaded for so long actually came…my dad died. It’s still not real to me. It’s been a little over a week, and I can’t believe he’s really gone. Up until I saw him in the casket, did I actually believe it. I will never talk to my dad again. He’s really gone. My heart breaks everything I think about it. I loved my dad, and although we were separated, he was never far from my mind, and I strongly believe he carried not only me, but my two sisters, in his heart with him everyday. He was a broken man, and he was never able to pick up the pieces after he lost his family, but not he is resting. I love you daddy, and you will always be the first man who ever loved me.

It’s been a minute

It’s been a minute…or more like an hour since I’ve taken time to write on here. So much a d nothing at all has happened since I was last here. I guess I haven’t had much to say, actually I still don’t have much to say, but I don’t want to forget about my blog here. One thing that I will say is that I’ve been blessed along with my family. We’ve faced some storms with my step-dad and his health over the past year and time after time THE LORD has showed up and showed out. I can’t say enough how greatful I am for that.

I started writing again which I often get super excited about in the beginning and then it fades out. I want to keep that excitement throughout the entire process.

I’m going to do better and stay on top of my blog moving forward. Should be interesting!

 

Random thinking of a girl with lots of thoughts

I was laying in bed the other night, awake with my thoughts per usual and a poem came to me. Let me first say I am far from a poet, but isn’t that what poetry is…a bunch of thoughts put together? Or I should say feels put on paper? My initial thought after I quickly typed it into my notes was that I couldn’t put this on my blog because it was personal, but hey why not….

So tired of going asleep alone,
I’m ready for my Prince Charming to come sit on his throne.
India Arie said “I am ready for love…”
I know what she means,
Because now I’m ready,
But the question is, where could he be?
The bible says when a man finds his wife , he finds a good thing,
Well I think I’m a “good thing”
So why all this strife.
I’ve stood in silence
And yelled at the top of my lungs,
But yet
I still stand alone…
This life is a journey and I’ve traveled it so so
But how much better could it be to walk side by side with the
individual who completes you

Behind these eyes

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So, it’s been awhile since I sat down and took time to write in my blog…actually it’s been five months. So many things and nothing at all have happened in those five months. I’m sure that makes absolutely no sense, so let me elaborate on what I mean by that statement. I have a friend who was asking me regularly if I had written in my blog lately and my response was I haven’t read anything to write about. The rebuttal to that statement was, “excuses”, which was probably a little true. I think I was making excuses because I didn’t have anything I felt was interesting enough to write about, but I started this blog to write my thoughts and reviews on books that I read, and also to share some of my own personal writing. So, with that in mind, I could always sit down and write about anything, doesn’t matter if it’s a review or just meaningless babbling.

Anyhow, in September I picked up the first Outlander book by Diana Gabaldon and haven’t looked back. I fell in love with the story of Claire and Jaime, and if anyone has read these books then you know they are thick books with a minimum of 600 pages each. (very time consuming) I was so caught up that I couldn’t stop reading between each book to write a review. Sorry folks for the lack of a detailed review on these novels, but I highly recommend them for sure. I am currently on books 6, I believe, and as far as I know there are two more left.

Also, since Aug I have been working quite a bit. I have moved from one store location to another and back again, and it has taken a toll on me mentally for sure. As soon as I get comfortable in one work environment I’m moved to another which is a huge challenge. I’ve been trying to figure out how to keep my head above water and not become overwhelmed with the workload as well as the various personalities that surround me, and let me tell you, it’s been tough. I’ve had my days when I’ve completely broken down in tears because I feel lost in this world of employment and management. It’s not easy. But everyday I’m learning more and learning what I’m capable of which is a good thing. Challenges keep us on our toes. The holidays working retail was my biggest challenge for sure, but now it’s a new year and no more holiday hours for eleven months…yay!

I have also started a weight loss journey which has crossed my path with some pretty awesome and encouraging people. I’ve done the diet thing in the past, done the lifestyle change, all those things, but this time I’ve surrounded myself with a group of people who are so dang supportive that it makes me wanna continue down this road to be healthy. This time I’m trying out Herbalife and I surprisingly like it. I’m at the health club at least once a day and I love it!

Another thing I’ve done with my time is try to date…I think I was unsuccessful in that area. Dating in your 30s is not easy. Everyone has baggage that they are carrying and we can’t always see their baggage and they can’t see ours. I think I was unsuccessful because I leaned on the side of caution and probably moved slower than most people. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t we build solid foundations in relationships and get to know the person across from us before throwing all caution to the wind? My coworkers told me the other day…”Tia this is not dating in the way that your parents dated, people don’t court anymore, you have to be more free…” the thought of that makes me a little sad, what does that say about the world we live in and the morals that we have? So I guess back to the drawing board for new ideas on dating in 2015. I think back to my 20s and the relationship decisions I made back then that I would never do now, but those are lessons that we have to learn the hard way.

Behind these eyes lies a person who is looking for their happy ever after, but isn’t quite sure how to find the road that leads there. Behind these eyes is a person who wants to believe in people and see the best in them. Behind these eyes lies a girl who just wants to belong and fit in somewhere.  Behind these eyes is a girl who just wants to be happy…

Figure 8: “Crossing the Ice” Book Review

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Crossing the Ice (Ice #1)
by Jennifer Comeaux

“Falling hard never felt so good.

Pair skaters Courtney and Mark have one shot left at their Olympic dream. They vow not to let anything get in their way, especially not Josh and Stephanie, the wealthy and talented brother and sister team.

The heart doesn’t always listen to reason, though…

The more time Courtney spends with sweet, shy Josh, the harder she falls for him. But they are on opposite sides of the competition, and their futures are headed in opposite directions. Will their friendship blossom into more or are their paths too different to cross?” (Goodreads)

From the first paragraph of this book I knew I would enjoy the story. It is always refreshing to read a well written story and Jennifer Comeaux did just that with Crossing the Ice. The characters are well developed and as the reader, we are immediately introduced to the character of Courtney and soon after, Josh. Courtney is focused on her skating and picking up the pieces of a failed relationship, and Josh, along with his sister, are on a journey to the Olympics, which pits him against Courtney.

I do not know much about figure skating, except that I can watch it every four years during the Winter Olympics and that Meryl and Charlie are the reigning champions for pairs. Oh wait….I also watched The Cutting Edge numerous times in the 90s, so I know what a toe pick is. Does that make me knowledgable enough? Probably not, but Comeaux has plenty of knowledge on the sport and she draws a beautiful picture of this sport in her book. I could picture the routines and hear the music, and when it was competition time I was right there in the rink with Courtney feeling all of her nervousness, excitement, and insecurities.

I love the relationship between Courtney and Josh and could not wait to find out what happened to them and their relationship. Relationships on their own are hard enough, but add in being on opposite ends of a competitive sports, partners and siblings who disapprove of any type of interactions, and then an impending separation, how will this relationship work.

Through all the difficulties of training for the Olympics and various competitions the two fall for each other and we sit on the edge of our seats and bite our nails waiting to see what happens. This is a whirlwind story full of angst and excitement that kept me enthralled from the first view of the ice until the final page. Big kudos to Jennifer Comeaux on writing a great story that anyone can read and enjoy.